It’s here. The New Year. It snowed yesterday and I opened the front door to take a picture and to inhale the crisp, cold scent of it. Snow brings a hush to the world and peace to my heart. So many people my age leave the state for warmer climes and I totally don’t get it. I like the change of seasons here in the Midwest, I don’t mind the snow–I don’t even mind being stuck inside if the snow makes travel hazardous.
I’m writing the third book in The Walkers of River’s Edge series. It’s Cameron and Harper’s story and it’s coming hard, I confess. I’m not sure why because there’s a line of folks in my head urging me to get it done so I can get to their stories. My head is full of stories all the time, but for some reason, this one is a bit of a struggle. It will come. I just need to draw these two characters out of their shells. Sometimes, that takes longer than others.
When characters are slow to reveal their stories to me, I start to panic and wonder all those stupid, imposter syndrome things that always right on the edge of my consciousness. I’m blocked–what if I’m blocked forever? I’m not a writer. I’ve been faking it all these years and now I’m paying the price for believing I could do this. What if people figure out I can’t do this anymore? I’m not a writer—I’m a big fat fake… and those self-deprecating thought just go downhill from there into I’m a big fat person who is ugly, stupid and totally worthless.
Now, before y’all tell me to stop being an idiot, I’m not there and I have no intention of going there. I may have more ass that the average person and I may well be a bit stumped for Cam and Harper’s story, but I’m not a big fat person, I’m not a fake or ugly or stupid or totally worthless. I am a writer, I’m quite intelligent really, I can even be pretty when I put my mind to it, and I’m refusing to let the imposter syndrome drag me into a January depression.
First of all, I don’t have time to be depressed. I have a book to write and editing gigs to do. I have a family who needs me to be perky Nan and friends who depend on my sunny outlook, which is one thing about me that I always like a lot. I am a naturally positive person, so when I don’t feel that way, I get scared. To stave off that fear, I will get up every morning and write. I will go to the gym and get in the pool because water soothes me like nothing else can. I’ll meditate, stretch, pay attention to what I’m eating because if I comfort with sugar, I always regret it.
I’ll snuggle by the fire with Husband, have Grandboy overnight, play games with Son and DIL, and enjoy our friends who aren’t in Florida. I’ll go on writing retreat with Liz (just three weeks away now!), and I’ll thole. My great-aunt Alice used that term when I was a kid–it’s an old, old Middle English word that means to endure. She had a lot to thole, much more than I ever have in my lifetime. So, onward…
Gratitude for this week: Snow! I was able to help Husband clear the sidewalks and even cleared my neighbor’s sidewalk since she’s recovering from Covid and I did it all without my heart giving me any trouble; two nights with Grandboy–what a treat! I am writing–slow, but the story will blossom; a night of chili and euchre with the kids.
Stay well, stay safe (Covid numbers are up as are RSV and flu, so mask up when it feels appropriate), be kind, and most of all, mes amis, stay grateful,