Musings
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Still Here…
…and I think what I learned from the 30 Days of Blogging is that I’m not really in search of clarity at all–I’m looking for relief from the sorrow, respite from the often-overwhelming sad of losing Kate. I’m wishing that writing might make the tears less imminent and the lump in my throat easier to swallow. I guess that has happened to some small extent, but I’m still teary when I speak of her or when I see something that makes me think of her or when people ask me how I’m coping. The good news is I am coping. Life is going on. I’m working, I’m writing, I’m lunching…
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Nan In Search of Clarity–Day 30
Well, how typical! My last blog in this adventure and I’m 42 minutes late with it. Are we even surprised? Although, I actually have a good reason for not getting here until 12:42–I was writing. A scene for the new WOWB book has been nudging me and I just needed to get it down, so I started writing right after I talked to Husband around ten p.m. or so and just closed the file on 3,769 words. It felt good–damn good! Today’s picture is from 2005, when Son got his Master’s degree. We had a party for him and Kate was there–this is her with our niece’s little boy. Isn’t…
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Nan In Search of Clarity–Day 29
Two more days of this… experiment… this commitment… whatever this is. Mostly it’s been me rambling, trying to figure out how to make it better. But you know, it’s probably not going to be all better right now–although each day, it’s a little bit easier. Maybe… Today, I worked and it was good. I can fall into a project and stay there and forget that life is different now, that it will always be different because Kate isn’t here anymore. I love working… even when projects are tough and frustrating, I still love to work. It’s that whole fixing thing–I’m a fixer. I like fixing things. You know, it’s funny.…
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Nan In Search of Clarity–Day 28
Another good day–how lovely that they’re more frequent and I kinda think that writing is helping that happen. Another thing that’s happening is that the people in my head are talking to me again. Ideas are spinning round and I’m plotting and dialoguing and building characters. I’m in Discovery–which, according to my wondrous editor Lani involves not just thinking about my book, but also absorbing narrative with books and movies and TV. I didn’t do a soundtrack for my last book, but this one, I think, needs a soundtrack, so I’ve started listening to music on my iPod and figuring out which songs will work for this story. And I’m…
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Nan In Search of Clarity–Day 26
I’m early today because it’s been a good day, so I’m posting this now and then I’m going to spend the evening cuddling with Husband on the sofa and… well… elsewhere later on. Hey, I’m a romance novelist–it’s my privilege to be a little racy now and again, right? We went to church and I only cried a little. Honestly, the folks in that dear congregation are going to think my eyes are permanently damp and red-rimmed. But you know, it was better this Sunday. No big overwhelming choking feeling in my throat, no deep ache in my heart. Just a little sadness that Kate wasn’t sitting beside me in…
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Nan In Search of Clarity–Day 25
Clarity–is that even anything that’s possible? Maybe I’m trying to find something that will never be there, trying to make sense of something that won’t ever make sense. I don’t buy that God wanted Kate with him or that her cancer and death were his will for her. I think that’s crap. If I don’t believe that it’s always God’s will that people are healthy and strong and that we live, then that shakes the very foundation of my faith. I have to know that God is a loving father and no loving father would ever want for his child to be sick or to die. I do know that.…
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Nan In Search of Clarity–Day 23
I just realized tonight that I missed my friend Mary’s birthday on April 10. I feel really crappy about that because I’ve never missed at least sending her a note on her birthday. She was a good friend of my mom’s when we were growing up and has been a good friend of mine since I’ve grown up. I remember how much I admired her when I was a kid. (I still do!) She always seemed confident and in charge. I know now that her life had difficulties just like everyone’s did, but when I was a child, I thought I wanted to be like her when I grew up–a…
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Nan In Search of Clarity–Day 22
I said yesterday that we’re having a true Midwest springtime this year, and so we are. Today has been gray and chilly–like in the 30s and 40s chilly–with the occasional burst of sunshine. The last few years, we’ve just skipped spring and went from winter to hot summer, so this is unusual. I’m glad though because one thing I like about living in the Midwest (there are lots of things, actually) is experiencing all four seasons. However, I confess I spent the afternoon in the cottage and even now, I’m wrapped in a sweater and a blanket. This morning, we went to Bailey’s Discount Center–a giant warehouse of…well, stuff. It’s…
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Nan In Search of Clarity–Day 21
Yeah, I missed it again. I’d like to say I have a great excuse, but of course, I don’t. This time it was the wine. I wasn’t stinko or anything like that, but we had a dinner guest here at the lake. We had a fabulous meal (compliments of Husband’s and my committee effort of spaghetti and salad and bruschetta) and even more fabulous conversation, and of course… fabulous wine. We opened a bottle of 2010 Rancho Zabaco zin…man, is this stuff good wine with pasta! We shared it and then finished the bottle of merlot we had already opened yesterday, so I was mellow. More mellow than I thought,…
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Nan In Search of Clarity–Day 20
I’ve been thinking a lot about the new book, well, books. Truthfully, I thought I was tired of Willow Bay, but now, I’m wondering if maybe I was just tired in general because ideas are popping. Saturday’s Making Magic miniconference helped stoke my creative fire and Lani Diane Rich’s words helped me more than I can say. She reminded me that what I do is important work–it’s bringing joy and escape and love to people’s lives. Confession? I often feel the need to apologize for my books. How dumb is that? Kate would probably smack me upside the head if she were here. Hell, she was the one who went…