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Nan In Search of Clarity–Day 30

IM000883Well, how typical! My last blog in this adventure and I’m 42 minutes late with it. Are we even surprised? Although, I actually have a good reason for not getting here until 12:42–I was writing. A scene for the new WOWB book has been nudging me and I just needed to get it down, so I started writing right after I talked to Husband around ten p.m. or so and just closed the file on 3,769 words. It felt good–damn good!

Today’s picture is from 2005, when Son got his Master’s degree. We had a party for him and Kate was there–this is her with our niece’s little boy. Isn’t that a great smile? Kate sure loved babies… they always made her smile.

I saw my gorgeous cousin, Kay, for lunch today and what a treat! It was emotional and weepy, but Kay and I are Meehans and Irish, so we cry a lot anyway. She is beautiful–her heart just shines out of her face. She told me how much she loved my books and how she’s telling all her friends about them. Isn’t that just the best? She came into my life just a few years ago–we didn’t grow up together, but how I wish we had! I think Kay would have been an excellent childhood playmate, although frankly, she’s a darn good friend to do things with now! She’s been a blessing. We talked about Kate–Kay had been to visit about a week before Kate died, but had to miss the memorial service because she was having knee surgery. So with a lot of tears, I told her all about it and about how I got to be with Kate right before she died. It was good to talk about it, and I know that one day, I might be able to do it without crying. But you know, even if I never can, who cares?

I think maybe the blogging has helped me–not fixed the sad or the weepiness, but helped me to see that this is just the natural order of things. Crying and missing Kate so bad I ache are simply part of the grieving process–something I was kicking and screaming against since December 19. I realize now I need to let myself feel all the stuff I’m feeling. I need to cry and howl like a baby if I want to because that’s what Kate would be doing if she the one left here on Earth. So get ready–I’m probably not done blogging or crying or howling… or being grateful… thanks to all of you who took time out of your day to read this. I’ll be here… maybe not every day, but more regularly, I think… I hope to see you as I continue this journey.

Five Things I’m Grateful For Today:

  1. I actually managed to blog for 30 days in a row.
  2. I have good supportive friends and family.
  3. Grandboy took Poppy to school today for show-and-tell. (“Look! I have Poppy!” he announced, upon entering the classroom with Poppy in tow. Lord, that kid’s cute!)
  4. Husband and Son are getting things done and enjoying one another.
  5. I’m writing!


  • Carol M

    You did it! Cheers to you. Looking forward to your next book. Take care, Nan. It IS all good.

  • Cathy Shouse

    I enjoyed reading this. It seems that you are in a better place. This type of loss, from a devastating illness, is its own kind of pain. I attended a session of a grief support group and they gave some good advice. Let me know if you ever want me to share any of it with you. Mainly, it is normal and healthy to grieve and it is appropriate that your life would not just go sailing along (including your writing) as though everything is the same. Writing is so personal. I was in the midst of kind of a funny, sarcastic, light-harded WIP when my loss occurred. I couldn’t find that voice in my head again for a very long time. You have been on this grief journey for a relatively short time. I’m sorry to tell you that it can last for years. I think some of the funny sarcasm has finally come back into my writing voice but that total light-heartedness is gone for good. That’s okay, though.
    Well, sorry to write so long. Just know that you have many supporters “out here.”

    • Nan

      Cathy, so glad you stopped by! I’m grateful for the support and for you sharing your story. I know that losing a sister is an ache that will stay with me forever, but I also know that Kate would want me to “snap out of it,” and handle life with grace and dignity and not Quite so many tears. So I’m ready for the journey. Hugs.