Clarity–is that even anything that’s possible? Maybe I’m trying to find something that will never be there, trying to make sense of something that won’t ever make sense. I don’t buy that God wanted Kate with him or that her cancer and death were his will for her. I think that’s crap. If I don’t believe that it’s always God’s will that people are healthy and strong and that we live, then that shakes the very foundation of my faith. I have to know that God is a loving father and no loving father would ever want for his child to be sick or to die. I do know that.
But I think we live in an imperfect world where bad stuff happens and it’s pretty freaking random. Bad stuff happens because we make bad choices (and don’t we all do that!) and bad stuff happens just because we’re in this world. There’s often no rhyme or reason. See? In my head, I get that. But my heart keeps asking why? Why Kate? Why Dee? Why David? Why Connie?
And then the self-centered part of me asks, “What about me? Am I next?” I’m an idiot cyber-chondriac anyway and sometimes the fear is unreasonably big–mostly when I’m hurting somewhere or not feeling great. I can’t just shake it off with, “Okay, so today my arthritis hurts” or “maybe I’ve caught a little bug” or “no sleep often means you feel like crap the next day.” Confession? It’s gotten a little worse since Kate died. Thing is, I know she’s up there in heaven laughing her ethereal ass off every time I clutch over some ache or pain. You’re right, Kate… you’re so right… yeesh!
Five Things I’m Grateful for Today:
- Got to talk to Grandboy who said, “I love you, Nanny!” I love you, too, precious boy!
- I finished my basket pattern dishcloth and it’s pretty.
- I started another dishcloth. I really love knitting dishcloths because I can learn new knitting patterns.
- Got the first pass done on the project I’m working on.
- Had a gorgeous pinot noir today–really delicious.