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Nan In Search of Clarity–Day 25

Clarity–is that even anything that’s possible? Maybe I’m trying to find something that will never be there, trying to make sense of something that won’t ever make sense. I don’t buy that God wanted Kate with him or that her cancer and death were his will for her. I think that’s crap. If I don’t believe that it’s always God’s will that people are healthy and strong and that we live, then that shakes the very foundation of my faith. I have to know that God is a loving father and no loving father would ever want for his child to be sick or to die. I do know that.

But I think we live in an imperfect world where bad stuff happens and it’s pretty freaking random. Bad stuff happens because we make bad choices (and don’t we all do that!) and bad stuff happens just because we’re in this world. There’s often no rhyme or reason. See? In my head, I get that. But my heart keeps asking why? Why Kate? Why Dee? Why David? Why Connie?

cyberchondriaAnd then the self-centered part of me asks, “What about me? Am I next?” I’m an idiot cyber-chondriac anyway and sometimes the fear is unreasonably big–mostly when I’m hurting somewhere or not feeling great. I can’t just shake it off with, “Okay, so today my arthritis hurts” or “maybe I’ve caught a little bug” or “no sleep often means you feel like crap the next day.” Confession? It’s gotten a little worse since Kate died. Thing is, I know she’s up there in heaven laughing her ethereal ass off every time I clutch over some ache or pain. You’re right, Kate… you’re so right… yeesh!

Five Things I’m Grateful for Today:

  1. Got to talk to Grandboy who said, “I love you, Nanny!” I love you, too, precious boy!
  2. I finished my basket pattern dishcloth and it’s pretty.
  3. I started another dishcloth. I really love knitting dishcloths because I can learn new knitting patterns.
  4. Got the first pass done on the project I’m working on.
  5. Had a gorgeous pinot noir today–really delicious.


  • Carla Hampton

    Oh man….I didn’t proof read again! Smack my hands, book writer…i see typos and mistakes! Ugh!

  • Carla Hampton

    You are right my friend. This is a broken world and has been since the Garden of Eden. Illness, death, evil of all kinds, separation from God was ushered in the moment Eve made the decision to disobey God. Every generation since has been subject to all of those things since then. Some of what befalls man is his own undoing: crimes of all kinds, some illnesses happen because of the choices people make, STD’s, HIV AIDS, illegal drug use Etc.. But some things happen because this is a fallen world and disease is present in it. There is no rhyme or reason to who gets sick and who doesn’t. God grieves for his children when they grieve, he does not desire them to be ill, he did not desire death for us or for us to ever be separated from him. Thus, the gift of eternal life through Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. That’s what your sister is experiencing…eternal life in heaven with Jesus. I think that our view of Heaven and what it is, falls way short of what it really and truly is. Heaven is not our consolation prize. It is better than the best place we can ever conjure up in our feeble minds. There is NO sadness, NO pain, NO tears, NO grief there. I think if we looked at us human beings, as spiritual beings with skin on, instead of humans with a spirit in us, then we would see that we were made for Heaven and we are now, just passing through this broken earth with our bodies that are subject to breaking down. Your sister, my Dad, all those who have gone before us, are not missing us and miserable. They are surrounded by love more rich and full than words can express and wouldn’t come back if given the chance but instead will be our joyfilled welcoming comittee when we get there. The worse thing about death for a Christian is not heaven or leaving here. The worse thing about death is for those of us who are still here waiting to leave this broken planet and go to heaven tomre join those we love. Death, will happen to all of us because as the scriptures say, our days are numbered and we will be leaving here but where we are going is better than we can even imagine.