Sunday Snippet: The Note to Self Edition

Liz and I had another conversation a couple of days ago about weight and weight loss and being disgusted with our bodies. Why do we do this to ourselves? How can we possibly expect to be healthy inside our selves if we’re constantly dissing the outside of our selves?

I wonder why my generation of women are so terrible about our own self-images. Today’s young women are much healthier about their body images–at least they appear to be. I think I am part of a generation of females, hopefully, the last generation, who believes that if they aren’t the ideal, then they aren’t worthy. Let’s not do that, okay?

Note to self–you are a delight exactly as you are!

I’m going to share a blog post I wrote sixteen years ago, but it still applies, and I need to pay attention  because once more, I’ve gotten caught up in the whole bad body image thing. Frankly, at  my age, I really need to simply relish being healthy, that everything currently in my closet fits me, and that I can move and enjoy life even if my body isn’t slim and perfect. Here’s the post:

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. —Anais Nin, US (French-born) author & diarist (1903 – 1977)

Suddenly, I thought, “This is my body. I live in it. I play in it. I can’t deny it anymore. This is my fat body. I’m standing at the corner of Life and You Better Get Going. I stepped off the curb and never looked back. —Camryn Manheim, American actress (1961–)

I am very body aware, and I’ve spent way too much time in my life fretting over other people’s opinions about my body. I’m overweight and for years, I was on a diet. For about thirty years or so, I completely ignored my sensual side. Maybe unconsciously (but probably consciously), I believed that a big woman had no business trying to be sensual. I know it’s sick, but there it is.

I have to admit, I was much more aware of my sensuality when I was younger (and thinner), but being so young meant I was unable to really appreciate that aspect of my femininity. Instead, I wallowed in guilt because good girls didn’t acknowledge or act on those kinds of feelings, and besides, I had no idea how to separate sensuality from stupid teenaged libido. I married young, got bigger, and my sensuality truly went into hiding in the midst of pregnancies, mothering, and the day-to-day trials of marriage and having a family.

But when I turned fifty-four and began to manifest menopausal symptoms—hot flashes, night sweats, short-term memory loss, moods swings, restlessness—something else very surprising happened to me. One summer day, I actually stopped and looked at myself after a shower—something I’d never done before. I’d always ignored mirrors as much as possible since the woman reflected there wasn’t even close to America’s skinny ideal. I gazed at the round woman in the glass—flushed from the shower, her blonde hair tousled, her blue eyes sparkling, and I had an epiphany. I’m pretty. And curvy. And actually, kinda sexy.

That day something opened up in me and now all my senses seem to be heightened. I’m hyper-aware of how things taste, like juicy fresh pears or red wine and chocolate; of how light and shadow play on surfaces; how music sounds; how much I enjoy the touch of strong male fingers on my skin. I love the sun on my face or a breeze in my hair. I love putting on lotion—it’s a minutes-long stroking experience now, instead of a slap-dash rub and hurrying into my baggy pants and top to cover up. I love wearing clothes that are silky or soft rather than sweats, clothes that reveal and enhance my shape instead of hide it.

I’ve discovered my sensuality again. But this time, I’m older and aware of how very brief a time I have on this Earth, in this body—my body. My round, bumpy, beautiful . . . sexy body.

I’m determined to get that back–that love of me, that enjoyment of sensual Nan. Time is even shorter now than it was when I wrote that sixteen years, and it’s even more important for me to have those loving moments with myself–my round, aging, beautiful, sexy self.

Note to self: You are delight exactly as you are!

Gratitude for This Week: terrific time signing books and speaking to writers; great trip with pal Moe; Discovered a little winery/garden/restaurant on our trip and found some great wine; kids are safely home from Germany; my gardens are full of color and bees and butterflies…ahhh, summer!

Stay well, slow down, be kind, and most of all, mes amis, stay grateful!