Musings
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Nan In Search of Clarity–Day 19
I didn’t cry today. That’s not good or bad news, particularly, it’s just what it was. It isn’t that I felt too empty to cry–I didn’t. It isn’t that I was deliriously happy all day–I wasn’t. And it isn’t that I didn’t think of Kate at all today–I did. Several times actually. But I was content today, just doing ordinary things–it was a normal pre-December 19, 2014 day… and the pain in my side is gone. Is that a start? I don’t know, but it feels fragile and like I want to protect and nurture this feeling… this peace… Five Things I’m Grateful for Today: Our yard is greening up.…
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Nan In Search of Clarity–Day 18
I spent the whole day at the IRWA Making Magic Miniconference and frankly, I’m too tired to think, let alone write. It was a great event and seeing Lani and Alastair again was fantastic! They were inspiring and I think there’s a chance I may be ready to start work on the new book again… Thanks to the conference committee who did a wonderful job with planning, decorations, and food–everything went off without a hitch. Jillian Jacobs, Tia Catalina, Mellanie Szereto, and Tippi Hickey put together a fantastic event! Five Things I’m Grateful for Today, Spending two days with Liz Spending time with Lani and Alastair Making Magic was truly…
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Nan In Search of Clarity–Day 17
It’s late and I’ve been going strong all day with barely a moment to think about much of anything except getting ready for the IRWA Making Magic Miniconference. Liz arrive this morning, she and I finished our raffle basket (it’s great!), and then headed downtown to meet Lani and Alastair, who came in from New York to be our speakers at the event. It has so wonderful to spend time with Liz, who always makes me feel safe and loved–she is a blessing. I lost it a little when I saw Lani, who immediately hugged me tight and said, “Oh, baby, it’s so good to see you.” She’s been a…
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Nan In Search of Clarity–Day 16
I quoted Lorelei Gilmore on Facebook not long ago: “I’m fine. I mean, not that I’m over it, but little by little it’s getting easier to pretend it’s easier, which means easier must be right around the corner.” The words are just exactly how I’m feeling… I pretend a lot… that Kate’s not in my mind, that I’m not still aching, that there isn’t a huge hole in me. I smile, I go about my daily life, and I even laugh and enjoy my friends and family, but it’s still there… that empty place in my heart that was my sister’s place. PJ and I went to get our nails…
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Nan in Search of Clarity–Day 15
So…yeah…I’m about six hours and fifty minutes late with this post. I’d love to tell you that I was so deliriously happy yesterday that I completely forgot about posting and that life is grand and I’ve totally resolved all my issues and no need to remain committed to my thirty days of blogging. Yeah, wouldn’t that be nice? Well, not so much…fact is, I plain forgot. We cleaned the carpet at the lake and scooted home. The drive back was mine this time and I came as close to falling asleep while driving as I’ve ever come. Seriously–if Husband hadn’t been there to keep me talking, I’d probably be snoring…
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Nan in Search of Clarity–Day 14
I went for a walk with my lake pal, Moe, today–we walked about two miles down the bay front road and then all around Blue Spruce Road. We found an abandoned bird’s nest in the brush and trees along the gravel road. We rescued the tiny nest from the sapling it was in and discovered hatched eggs–probably from last spring still in the nest. They’re so small and fragile–we’re not sure what kind of bird laid them. But Moe’s going to use it as part of birdcage decoration she’s making, so it will continue to be beautiful. The wildflowers are blooming alongside the road–spring beauties, violets, and the little white…
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Nan in Search of Clarity–Day 13
Yeah,well, maybe not so much. These posts can’t all be brilliant or even interesting for that matter. I’m almost halfway through my 30 days of blogging and my creative well is about as empty as it’s ever been tonight. Well, maybe it’s not really empty…maybe I’m just not able to reach far enough down right now to capture any great thoughts. I don’t even really have much in the way of feelings today–it was just a blah one. Nothing all that fascinating happened. It was raining when we first woke up, so we snuggled under the blankets and went back to sleep. We ran some errands after we got motivated…
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Nan in Search of Clarity–Day 12
So–church. Today is Sunday and you know, Sunday seems to be hardest day of the week for me right now, and yet also the best day. That’s weird, I know, but it’s me, so what else is new, right? But here’s the thing, on Sundays when we’re in town, I’m attending the church where PJ and Kate are members and I like it. To be honest, I’m probably the worst church person in the world because I don’t show up every single Sunday and I’m not a great joiner. But Husband and I transferred our membership to this church on Palm Sunday because…well, because it’s the first time in 25…
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Nan in Search of Clarity–Day 11
Today was another funeral–well, visitation for us. Kate’s ex-husband died last week of congestive heart failure, so we went by to pay our respects even though we really haven’t had much contact with him in the over thirty years since their divorce. My heart breaks for their son and daughter (my niece and nephew), who’ve lost both their parents in the space of about 4 months. They’re both hanging in, but dear god, how painful must it be? All her little grandkids were there and I wondered how hard it must have been on their parents to tell them they’d lost another grandparent… Kate loved babies–oh, man, did she ever…
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Nan in Search of Clarity–Day 10
It’s National Siblings Day. All day, I’ve ached with missing Kate, but I have PJ and my brother, Bud, so I’m not feeling at all sibling-less–just less-siblinged, I guess. That’s all of four plus an assortment of kids, spouses, partners, etc. When we were kids, our dad left us–I actually remember that day clearly even though I was only 6 years old at the time. But I’m not going to think about him, except to say that I think it may have made us closer as kids to only have Mom. She was so busy when he first left, going to school and working full time to keep food on…