Musings,  This Life...

Nan in Search of Clarity–Day 12

ACC1So–church. Today is Sunday and you know, Sunday seems to be hardest day of the week for me right now, and yet also the best day. That’s weird, I know, but it’s me, so what else is new, right? But here’s the thing, on Sundays when we’re in town, I’m attending the church where PJ and Kate are members and I like it. To be honest, I’m probably the worst church person in the world because I don’t show up every single Sunday and I’m not a great joiner. But Husband and I transferred our membership to this church on Palm Sunday because…well, because it’s the first time in 25 years, we’ve felt like we might have found a real church home again.

Kate loved this church and this congregation and in particular, this minister, and she found strength and support and love here. So does PJ, who transferred her membership when she moved here in 2006. Actually one of the first things she did when she moved was start looking for a church home. Kate wasn’t going to church before then either, but she and PJ decided they’d church-shop together. I wasn’t all that terribly interested in finding a church to go to–although my faith is strong. Over the years since they joined ACC, my sisters dropped subtle (and some not-so-subtle) hints about me being “unchurched.” They wanted me at ACC, doing the CWF thing, attending services and Sunday School, going to events, and worshiping with them. I confess I missed the corporate worship experience–I was raised in church and we raised our kid in church and there’s nothing I love more than singing hymns and taking communion. I did miss that, but not enough to go back. I simply did not want to get involved in congregational politics again.

But you know, already, ACC is a blessing–this is a warm, loving, welcoming congregation who opened their arms and hearts to us during Kate’s illness and once again, when Husband I decided to join the church. Every Sunday I’ve attended, folks hug me and say hello and ask how I’m doing.They’re gracious, lovely people.

But I fight tears during service because I can feel Kate with me in this place–oh, I know she’s glad I’m here and I’m glad I’m here, too,  but I’m emotionally drained when I walk out the door. I don’t linger much after service, although I’m beginning to be a bit more comfortable lingering a little now and then. I know it will get easier. The sadness subsides some each time I come to worship and fellowship here, so it will get easier. These folks are kindred spirits in the truest sense of the word. I think I need to be here…

Five Things I’m Grateful for Today:

  1. Youth Sunday at church was charming and meaningful
  2. We’re back at the lake
  3. Son arrived safely in Rome and is enjoying himself
  4. Harlene and I saw a baby fawn on the road today–so precious
  5. Dinner with the gang–10 us catching up after a long winter apart, and so happy to be all together again



  • BarbN

    I’ve been reading along without commenting so far. It sounds like your experience of church is much like mine. Great post, thanks for sharing your thoughts. And best wishes and FGBVs on the search for clarity–reminds me of that Indigo Girls song “Closer to Fine” there’s a bit about seeking clarity

    • Nan

      Hey, Barb! How great to see you here! Thanks for stopping by. Church experiences are very personal, aren’t they? And yet, we can all identify when someone tells their story. Will go listen to the Indigo Girls–thanks for the song! and don’t be a stranger, okay?

  • Carol M

    Lovely post, Nan. A loving day. Music does heal the heart.

    I hear you. Kindred spirits. My church moved to another city over an hour away. I really miss the corporate worship and my “church family” as well. There is nothing more healing to the soul than glorious music. Just thinking of finding a loving church body with excellent worship music is exhausting. I was really spoiled. Enjoy the music.

    Great photos of Kate in the previous posts. You are blessed.

    • Nan

      Hey, Carol! So glad you came by! It is tough to find a church that is a good fit, isn’t it? I hope you can find another in your town–try a Disciples of Christ church–pretty great loving folks in that denomination.