So the scene is this: I’m writing this on Saturday mid-morning at the breakfast table, and I’m gazing out the windows that look out on the leaf-covered back yard. After several warm and sunny days–unusual for the first of November in my part of the world–we have dreary gray skies and rain. I should go walk on the treadmill, but instead, I’m having a second cup of coffee. Besides, going back to the treadmill means that I’d actually have to rise from my chair and I’m disinclined.
I’ve been a weird state of mind since Liz and I got back from writing retreat, and I’m not sure why. I think it’s because I’m worrying about my health. My wellness check last month showed that my AV Nodal Reentrant Tachycardia (SVT) is acting up, and next week I have an appointment with an electro-cardiologist. I’ve known for a few months that something wasn’t right–I get breathless walking uphill or walking too fast. I’m tired too easily. I always chalk up everything bad that I feel in my body to my fat ass, which is stupid because as my GP told me during my appointment, “This has nothing to do with the size of your ass. Your ass is fine.” I’m trying to stay away from Dr. Google because I just need to wait and see what the EC wants to do about this. It could something as easy as upping my meds, right?
But fear has suddenly given my life an other-worldly aura, and I’m not sleeping well, which makes working, writing, and going about my normal activities difficult. I have a full schedule of editing work on my desk, a newly started novel poking at my consciousness, as well as chapters to read for my crit partners. I love editing and critiquing, yet I find my focus sorely lacking. I seriously need to get back into a pool schedule, instead of relying only on walking the ‘hood or getting on my treadmill here at home, but I’m reluctant to go anywhere. Home feels safe.
On the other hand, that wicked restlessness is rearing its little head, and I’ve been looking at travel sites on my lunch hour and wondering how lovely it would be to see the snowy Northeast or warm sunny Aruba or even Paris again…in any kind of weather at all. A fellow author is tweeting pictures of Hawaii, where she is currently vacationing, and I’m green with envy and checking out flights to Honolulu.
So what does any of this have to do with the leaves swirling outside my French doors or the rain or the wind or the fact that it’s Saturday morning, and I’m still sitting amidst the breakfast detritus instead of going into to my office and getting busy?
There is still gratitude this week because there’s always gratitude: Warm lovely fall days; I actually am averaging about 1200 words a day as I do a mini-NaNo with Liz; coffee; got the gardens cut back for fall; and my new Fitbit is coming today–yay!
Stay well, stay safe, be kind, and most of all, mes amies, stay grateful,