Clarity–is that even anything that’s possible? Maybe I’m trying to find something that will never be there, trying to make sense of something that won’t ever make sense. I don’t buy that God wanted Kate with him or that her cancer and death were his will for her. I think that’s crap. If I don’t believe that it’s always God’s will that people are healthy and strong and that we live, then that shakes the very foundation of my faith. I have to know that God is a loving father and no loving father would ever want for his child to be sick or to die. I do know that.
But I think we live in an imperfect world where bad stuff happens and it’s pretty freaking random. Bad stuff happens because we make bad choices (and don’t we all do that!) and bad stuff happens just because we’re in this world. There’s often no rhyme or reason. See? In my head, I get that. But my heart keeps asking why? Why Kate? Why Dee? Why David? Why Connie?
And then the self-centered part of me asks, “What about me? Am I next?” I’m an idiot cyber-chondriac anyway and sometimes the fear is unreasonably big–mostly when I’m hurting somewhere or not feeling great. I can’t just shake it off with, “Okay, so today my arthritis hurts” or “maybe I’ve caught a little bug” or “no sleep often means you feel like crap the next day.” Confession? It’s gotten a little worse since Kate died. Thing is, I know she’s up there in heaven laughing her ethereal ass off every time I clutch over some ache or pain. You’re right, Kate… you’re so right… yeesh!
Five Things I’m Grateful for Today:
- Got to talk to Grandboy who said, “I love you, Nanny!” I love you, too, precious boy!
- I finished my basket pattern dishcloth and it’s pretty.
- I started another dishcloth. I really love knitting dishcloths because I can learn new knitting patterns.
- Got the first pass done on the project I’m working on.
- Had a gorgeous pinot noir today–really delicious.
Nothing but joy today–it’s true. It has been a joyful, peaceful day and I’m so thankful for it.
We just got home from the Allisonville Christian Church–Arts at Allisonville production of The Wizard of Oz. Who knew there could be so much talent in one congregation and tonight’s event just made us even happier we’ve thrown our lot in with this wonderful church. Delightful play and even more delightful players, including my sister PJ, who was a townsperson in Oz and in the chorus. So fun to watch her up there!
This morning, I went to the gym and spent an hour working hard in the pool–it felt great! Then I came home, got a bunch of little tasks done that needed doing. Nothing major, just stuff I’ve been putting off–crossed about eight things off my list. Whew! Also got to spend about half an hour on the phone with Dee just talking. A very good thing.
I looked up some new knitting patterns on the Internet today and tomorrow I’m going to go to Michael’s to buy some more cotton yarn. I love making dishcloths because they’re quick, fun, and an easy way to learn new patterns. I’m knitting! Me! Who knew? 😉
All in all, a good day and you know, even being at church felt good, too–no sad memories of Kate because tonight was all about PJ. I thought fleetingly how much Kate would’ve enjoyed the play, but otherwise, the fun was all mine…and PJ’s, of course.
Five Things I’m Grateful for Today:
- The Arts at Allisonville and everyone associated with tonight’s production
- Being back in the pool–gosh, it was grand!
- I tried the sit-ups on the balance ball again today and discovered that the pain in my side is definitely a pulled muscle–good to know.
- Saw Husband’s cousin at the play tonight–one of those 6-people away connections–but it was good to see her!
- Sunshine today, most all day.
So…yeah…I’m about six hours and fifty minutes late with this post. I’d love to tell you that I was so deliriously happy yesterday that I completely forgot about posting and that life is grand and I’ve totally resolved all my issues and no need to remain committed to my thirty days of blogging. Yeah, wouldn’t that be nice?
Well, not so much…fact is, I plain forgot. We cleaned the carpet at the lake and scooted home. The drive back was mine this time and I came as close to falling asleep while driving as I’ve ever come. Seriously–if Husband hadn’t been there to keep me talking, I’d probably be snoring upside-down in my car in some as-yet-planted corn or soybean field even now. The fact that I got so sleepy driving made me realize how much I’m sleeping right now. Not like all the time or anything, but more than usual for me. I’m going to bed earlier and sleeping later. I know that’s one of the signs of depression, but it’s also a sign of avoidance on my part–if I go to bed earlier, then I don’t have to think about the fact that I’m not writing because, see, I’m a late-night writer.
My best creative time is at night, when the rest of the house is asleep. In nice weather, I can open my office window or sit in the big chair by the open window at the lake, and listen to the night sounds outside, crickets, critters, the occasional car driving by. For some reason, being all alone at night gets my creative juices flowing. But ever since Kate died, I’m going to bed with the chickens and waking up…well, waking up whenever I damn well please. I deliberately began writing this blog and posting at night, not just because I wanted to write after the day had ended, but also because it was making me write at my personal best writing time.
All this to say, I blew it yesterday–Day 15 came and went with nothing extraordinary happening…nothing at all really and I forgot to blog. But I’m here this morning and it’s not 8 a.m. yet, which means I got up when I woke up instead of staying in bed cuddled up to Husband’s comfortable warmth. I’ve got an actual To-Do list today, and the last thing on it is “Blog,” so I will.
Five Things I Was Grateful for Yesterday
- I didn’t fall asleep driving and kill us both in our new car
- I got work! YAY!!
- Got to talk to Son, who is in Rome doing important stuff
- The carpet in the cottage is clean and next week, the bedroom carpet gets it!
- I didn’t overeat or long for a glass of wine
I’ve been thinking about sister Kate a lot today. Sometimes I can’t remember her face very well and that scares me because I don’t want to forget her face. She had a great face and the best smile and laugh ever. I’m at the lake and I don’t have all my photos handy here on my laptop. so I got on Facebook and found pictures of her–it’s a great face, but I still can’t look at the pictures without getting weepy.
As I looked at FB pictures, I found the one of our mom that Kate had put up on FB at some point–Mother’s Day maybe or Mom’s birthday–May 13, which is often, as it happens also Mother’s Day. Anyway, I couldn’t help noticing how much they looked alike. Kate looked more like Mom each year. Don’t you think so? They had the same smile–one that lit up their eyes and lit up whatever room they were in.
Gosh I miss her. And it’s not like we talked every day or anything like that, but it’s that I knew she was there. Just like she knew I was there–at least, I hope she knew that. I have to believe she knew that. I couldn’t breathe if I thought she didn’t. She did. She knew.
Five things I’m grateful for today:
- Little green plants pushing up
- New friends I’ve made from Facebook
- Other writers
- I found a single serving package of jelly beans for half price today–exactly enough
- I got my walk in today, even though it rained and was chilly and wet and foggy
So last week, I posted my eight and realized after I did it that I’d forgotten to sign up. DUH!! It’s been that kind of month, Mes Amies. However, here are the eight sentences from The Summer of Second Chances that I posted last week, and Sophie and Ben just cannot catch a break. That delicious kiss intensifies when suddenly…
“Sophie.” Ben pulled back and reached down to grasp her hands, “Soph… somebody’s at the door.”
Squinting up into his passion-dark eyes, almost navy in the lamplight from the living room, she blinked in confusion before she finally heard the knocking from the utility room. Someone was rattling the hook on the screen door.
He touched her lips with one finger, a gentle caress as he set her away from him. “Sheesh, this place is Grand Central Station tonight.” His breath came fast and shallow.
“Who in the world…?” It was almost eight and she didn’t recognize the shadowy female figure standing there, a cigarette glowing between her fingers.
I know, I know–I’m being really mean, aren’t I? It’s okay…the story is worth it, I promise. Next week, I’m heading out to spend a week or so with this little guy, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to post, but I’ll try!
Thanks for stopping by. I hope you continue to be intrigued by Sophie and Ben. Stay tuned for more from The Summer of Second Chances. Comments are welcomed and encouraged. Please don’t miss the other Weekend Writing Warriors. Head on over and check out the work of dozens of other writers. You’ll be so glad you did.
8-Sentence Sunday has come around again…time is flying by! We’re still in the scene with Sophie and Ben’s first kiss in The Summer of Second Chances, but this time, we’re in Sophie’s POV…
For one brief moment, Sophie wondered if a kiss that had probably been building up for years might turn out to be anticlimactic.
The warm pressure of Ben’s mouth on hers kindled a response that set her pulse hammering. That tiny flicker of longing that had smoldered deep inside her since he’d stepped into the kitchen of the Sandpiper flared to an inferno.
His hands moved lower to pull her harder against his warm, muscled body—she’d never been kissed like that before. All she wanted was to keep the contact, his mouth on hers, his hands on her body—it was so incredibly right. She increased the pressure of her mouth, pressing herself against him, while the thought, this is Ben, it’s Ben, kept going around in her addled brain.
When at last, he lifted his lips, she had one clear thought inside the heated haze of her mind, thank God, it’s finally Ben.
I hope you continue to be intrigued by Sophie and Ben. Stay tuned for more from The Summer of Second Chances. Comments are welcome and encouraged. Please don’t miss the other Weekend Writing Warriors. Head on over and check out the work of dozens of other writers. You’ll be so glad you did. Here’s a shot of the steps that lead down to Lake Michigan from Sophie’s cottages. Are you all dying to go up to Michigan and visit Willow Bay? 😉
The Romance Review is having an anniversary party and I’m helping them celebrate 3 years of great books review! Come on by and join in the fun. There are games and prizes! Don’t miss it! See you there!!
Um, I’m fairly sure we’ve had this talk before. Need I remind you that the holidays are over? You kinda blew white Christmas for us, and although I thank you for the big storm that gave me extra time with Son, DIL, and Grandboy, I’m ready for you to go away now. Oh, and take your pal, sub-zero temperatures with you. Scram!
Slippin’ & Slidin’,
Dear Writers of Downton Abbey,
**Spoiler Alert!!** Really? You had to go there? You couldn’t leave Anna and Mr. Bates alone for one freakin’ season? Please, fix this immediately and let’s get back to the charming banter and great story lines of previous seasons, okay?
Dear Miss Fox,
Welcome back! I do hope you’ve decided to make our brush pile your maternity den for 2014. It was lovely to see you come out and lounge on top of it for a few hours. Please stay. We’d love to watch your little ones romping in the back yard this spring. They are awesome cute.
I’m so very glad you both had fun in Cancun celebrating Chris and Jenna’s wedding. It looks like you enjoyed yourselves thoroughly and I haven’t felt a moment of green-eyed envy, even though it hasn’t really been very nice here at home (reference Memo 1 in this post). Come home now, please.
Your Sister Nan
Here we are! Not only is it Sunday, but it’s December 1! Wow! 2013 zipped by, didn’t it? Today’s 8 picks up where last week’s snippet from Book 3 of my series, The Women of Willow Bay left off. Captain McGuire and crew are in a pickle as they make their way through the choppy waters of Lake Michigan on a cold November afternoon. It’s started to spit snow now and McGuire’s mind is not only on the weather, but also on the cargo he’s carrying…
McGuire slumped into the seat by the wheel and let his mind wander to the last of the cargo tucked behind the false wall in the bowels of the boat. He’d left the tiny port at the mouth of the Detroit River three days ago. The Caroline Howe had spent over a week docked there, ostensibly to take on supplies and fix an ailing engine before returning to Chicago. But the truth was McGuire had been collecting payments from Cleveland, Detroit, Buffalo, and points south all week—payments for the cases of booze that he’d carried down from Canada. McGuire’s instructions were clear, stay with the boat and give crates only to the drivers who came with cash in hand. His ten-man crew had offloaded over fifteen hundred cases of expensive Canadian whiskey in the dark chill of the November nights, putting them on trucks bound for major cities all over the country. About thirty cases of whiskey and fifty cases of French wine were still in the cargo hold on their way to Todaro’s private cellar.
McGuire’s mind shifted to the trunk of cash that was hidden behind the wall of his cabin—over half a million dollars in twenties, fifties, and hundreds. It was the most money he’d ever collected for a run…
Stay tuned–I’ll be going back and forth between Books 3 and 4 in the series since I’m working on them alternately as the muse moves me. Comments are welcome and encouraged. Please don’t miss the other Weekend Writing Warriors. Head on over and check out the work of dozens of other writers. You’ll be so glad you did!
I hope everyone had a fabulous holiday weekend and enjoyed lots of good cooking, fun, and fellowship. Are you shifting into Christmas mode? I’m not quite there yet. I won’t start decorating until mid-December because my family won’t get together until after December 25. But the holidays will be merry and bright and I”m looking forward to going to the symphony’s Yuletide celebration, baking cookies with my sister, PJ, and attending a couple of holiday events. It’s been a great year, hasn’t it? Lots to celebrate!
Okay, so not me exactly, but my books! Today I’m guest blogging at the amazing Kieran Kramer’s blog. We’re talking about love and sex after 50, and there’s a giveaway for one lucky commenter! Come on by and chat with us for a chance to win!
And to make my day even more wondrous, Sex and the Widow Miles is the featured book at Awesome Romance Novels! How totally cool!